It’s something I embrace wholeheartedly because I finally feel comfortable in my skin. I must admit, it’s been a long, winding path to get here. And yet with every obstacle, I became a more resilient person.
When I look back, I’m grateful for all the hard lessons. Because after 30 years of trying and failing, I feel like my backbone is made of steel and my outlook is much brighter. It is a very recent feeling, but one that I am grateful for.
Here are the top things I’ve struggled to overcome (but managed to!) before I turned 30. I hope that sharing these will help a few of you who may be fighting the same battles. In an effort to be candid, I’m not holding anything back. So buckle up!
“You know,” he said while eyeing me fully naked, “if you got breast implants it would even you out. You’re a little bottom heavy. Like a pear. I’d pay for them for you though.”
I balked: “No, that’s not me. Besides, I’m confident enough as it is…”
While seemingly trivial, this conversation with my ex-boyfriend was an important one. I’m sure he never realized this, but the sad truth was that I wasn’t confident in my physical self—and yet I was trying so hard to be.
Body image is one of the things that I’ve struggled with the most throughout my life. And I know I’m not alone. Over the past 30 years, it took a monumental effort to silence the harmful thoughts I had about my face and body. Sure, many of these critical thoughts originated from me. But most came from other sources. The media, pop culture, and overly-opinionated indivduals wreaked havoc on my self esteem for as long as I can remember. (And, as I’m sure you already know, if you’re a female with a physical body, people are going to tell you what they think about it. All. the. time. and unsolicited. Not to suggest that it doesn’t happen to men, or that they aren’t exposed to these mixed messages too.)
But you know what I’ve realized? 98% of the body-shaming I’ve received over my life comes from people who are projecting or trying to conceal their insecurities and short-coming. Point in case: that ex who insisted I needed a boob job? His boobs were bigger than mine!
Don’t get me wrong: people’s insults can and do hurt. I get it. Pair those vicious, intentional personal attacks up with all the complaining from friends/family about their own self-perceived imperfections; and it’s no wonder so many of us are struggling! With all these things floating around in your brain, it’s hard to be okay with yourself sometimes.
Despite all that, I knew I needed to make a change. I consciously worked damn hard to distance myself from body image obsession. As a woman in her 30’s, I’m embracing everything it means to be me. Not someone else’s definition of me. Not what society expects of me. And certainly not some idealized, moulded “figurine” that an insecure partner wants me to be.
Yeah, I’m pear-shaped. I’m also pretty smart, self-sufficient, kind, and I’m gradually learning to live for myself! And you know what? I’m actually doing pretty well. So go stuff it, Brads of the world.
You are the captain of your ship. You’re in control of where you sail! If you want something, don’t rely on other people to bring it to you, or even accommodate you for that matter. If they do—great! But you need to harness the skills to achieve things on your own, because there won’t always be people around willing to help. Learn essential life skills like negotiation, self-discipline, and financial management. These skills will make you more confident when making tough decisions and give you a solid foundation should you ever find yourself in a pinch.
Don’t wait for permission to live the life you want to live. Take those extra courses so that you can pursue a career that you love. Learn how to invest your savings properly.
And also, don’t buy into the ‘hype’ machine. The best advice I can ever give young people is: live well within your means. It took me decades to build up my current (modest) wealth. I shopped secondhand and deeply discounted for years, and did my best to save on rent and other recurring charges as a teenager (and still do!). Investing a little bit into savings accounts each year didn’t seem like much at first. But because I saved what I could since the age of 14 or so, by the time I was 29 I had enough to make a downpayment on a home in Toronto (!).
You’ll be shocked by how much extra you earn—each year, for free, automatically—when you store your money in proper bank accounts that have investment returns. Want to learn how? Make an appointment with any financial advisor at your bank. It should only take half and hour of your time, and they’ll explain everything step by step. This is literally what the bank pays them to do. So don’t be shy! Still not convinced? One of my accounts generates $1,000 – $2,000 each year, with almost zero effort on my end. Beyond transfering more money into when I can, I’ve done nothing to the account since opening it back in 2004.
Please don’t feel discouraged if these things seem overwhelming at first. Anyone who was ever great at anything had to start from the begining. You are capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for. I promise.
I’m naturally a very empathetic, sensitive person. I like to help others. And, unfortunately, that frequently made me an easy target for abusive or lazy people. When I was younger, I would scold myself for being naive about people’s intentions. Sometimes, I would go a mile for someone who wouldn’t move an inch for me. I had to learn what it meant to stand my ground and look out for red flags in others.
But you know what? Doing my best to practice patience and kindness, even in difficult situations, has always served me better than reacting in red-hot anger.
As an adult in business, being empathic has served me very well. (Ironically, my corporate position relies on me being intuitive to people’s needs and offering solutions on a very large scale!) Being kind has taken me much, much farther than those who try to force their way with explosive anger, threats, or manipulation. Not once have I second-guessed being the rational person in heated debates. Nor have I ever regretted taking 30 seconds to hold the door or the elevator for others.
Of course, there is a balance to this. Be kind, but don’t be a doormat either. Be firm when your gut tells you that others are being inappropriate or intentionally helpless. As a sentitive person, I hard to learn firmness. But I think the reverse is equally important: if you tend to scare others off with your temper, why not stand in front of the mirror and see how that looks from the other side?
Be selective in who you give your time and energy to. Spending hours mulling over what others are thinking or why they act a certain way is a poor use of your time. In most cases, you can only speculate, which leads to assumptions. And living your life based on assumptions won’t get you far. So don’t do it. There are times I’ve given myself full-blown anxiety attacks wondering what people thought about me or something I did.
“Oh God, why did I pronounce my name so weird when I introduced myself??”—an actual thing I worried about.
It seems silly, but I know this sort of over-thinking and over-analyzing affects lots of people.
I think anxiety set in early for me because kids in my small-town school bullied me a lot throughout elementary school. Sometimes it really hurt and I was often left wondering ‘why?’. Miraculously, through all the incessant teasing, one thing became glaringly clear to me: immature people’s insecurities are much louder than their confidence. I noticed that the kid who teased me about my new shoes only wore battered hand-me-downs. The popular girl who would mock everyone else’s body was desperatly insecure about her own. See what I mean? People spend a lot of time worrying what others think about them. So much so, that it starts dictating how they act.
Cut yourself free from these types of negative thoughts. See how it changes your outlook.
Also, learn to read between the lines of the things people say and do. The truth is, most people are so focused on comparing or doubting themselves that they become triggered pretty easily. Keep in mind that if you encounter an unexpected, overly- critical comment, the insult-slinger was most likely attempting to soothe their own insecurities. This is why you almost never hear a confident person mocking others: they’re too focused on their own growth to put others down. Be like the later, and not the fomer.
So just take a deep breath, and do you! It took me many years to find like-minded individuals. Things will align in time.
So you made a big mistake, eh? Well, it’s probably not the end of the world. Listen, you have to make mistakes to get anywhere in life! So try not to sweat it.
Of course, be sure you learn from the mistake and don’t repeat it. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.
Whether you like it or not, people are always going to toss out advice, regardless of their success in the particular topic they’re weighing in on. The key word there is “success”–are they an expert, or merely somone making an observation? Even well-meaning people will say things that hinder instead of help. Listen to your intuition in these scenarios.
You may familiar with the quote: “Don’t take critisim from people you wouldn’t go to for advice.” Yeah, that one hit me really hard.
If you are a positive person, negative people will gravitate to you subconsciously. They may see you succeeding and try to sabotage your plans. “Taking courses as an adult is a waste of time.” Or because they want to tear you down to their level so they have someone to wallow with. “Dating people in this city is too risky; don’t do it you’ll just get hurt and regret it.” Sometimes, negative people may even want to be you! If this is the case, they will never voice it, because its too painful for them to admit. Instead, they will give you backhanded compliments. “You look great, but you really shouldn’t x, y, z anymore.” They’ll enjoy planting seeds of doubt and watering them over time. Whether they are aware of it or not, people like this relish in inflicting misery.
If you want to live a happy life, you’ll need to limit or deny interactions with these people. If this isn’t an option, try any of the following phrases: “This is something that makes me really happy, and I’d like to focus on the positives.”; “Thanks for your concern. I’ve done enough research to know that I’ve made the right decision for myself and I’m going to confidently move forward with it.”; “Yep. You’ve made it clear that you don’t like anything about ‘x‘.” And then change the subject. This shuts down the pity-party fast and may lead to a more constructive conversation the next time around.
You may have noticed that most of the things I’ve struggled with have to do with other people’s actions or words. If I had to guess, that is because I’ve always been highly alert and sensitive. I notice everything. It’s led me to be very cautious: with my emotions, with my trust, and even when making restaurant recommendations! When I do make major moves, they are backed by hours of research. Meaning there is very little that I regret. But the downside is that I mull over things for far longer than I need to.
If you are like me, then I’m sure a lot of this resonated with you. I hope that my being transparent allows you to feel less alone in your struggles!
Although I’m most comfortable as an introvert, forcing myself to master the skills of an extrovert has allowed me to succeed in the ways I wanted to. If you find yourself firmly on one side of the extrovert/introvert scale, I would highly recommend dipping your toes into the other side. You have everything to gain, and nothing to lose!
Putting myself “out there” on the internet is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It’s also a bit of a cathartic experience for me! But I’m so glad to be sharing this journey with you.
Natalie